Productive Emotions

Entering into a class called “Feminism and Sexual Assault”, I was prepared to be impacted by the content in a very real way. I expected that at any given point throughout this course I might feel sad, scared, compassionate, angry, and uncomfortable. Although all of these feelings have in fact taken shape for me at some point so far, one of the pieces we read this week hit me in a way I hadn’t planned for. The piece is by Rebecca Campbell and that feeling was shame. At no point in my emotional preparation for this course had this feeling occurred to me before it was here, right inside my heart, walking around like it owns the place.

This feeling of shame didn’t just waltz right in, of course. It was invited in by its friends, fear and discomfort. These two, though, I at least anticipated. Campbell’s piece includes insights into the impacts of studying sexual assault, and in doing so has included actual accounts of sexual assault. It was in these accounts where I found myself troubled. These accounts were deeply saddening to me, not only because real people endured them but also because as much as I knew how terrible it all was, I knew equally well that I couldn’t do anything about it. I was prepared to feel sadness and resulting discomfort like this. However, my reaction to these emotions was to get away from their source. Maybe it got too overwhelming; I think maybe it got too real. All I know for sure is I couldn’t keep reading.

I couldn’t keep reading.

Here, upon my realization that this reading was maybe too much for me, enters shame. Here are people who have experienced deeply horrible circumstances. Here I am, having experienced nothing as hurtful as that, and I can’t even bring myself to read about it. Just words on a page, not real experience. I still can’t do it. I can’t help but ask myself what it says about the state of my being that I can’t compassionately experience others’ lives through their narratives. What does that say about me? Should this even be the question I’m asking right now?

It wasn’t until I read another writing by Audre Lorde that I gained some clarity on the matter. In her piece “The Uses of Anger: Women Responding to Racism”, Lorde discusses the importance of using emotions, specifically anger, to be productive. In doing so, she touches on guilt and its uses/potential uselessness. Although this is a small section of her piece, it was immensely helpful to me while I worked though my feelings about Campbell’s piece. Lorde states that if guilt “leads to change then it can be useful, since it is then no longer guilt but the beginning of knowledge.” It was upon reading this that I began to consider that maybe this sadness, discomfort, and shame could be the launch of something bigger; perhaps I could modify my reaction to these emotions and direct it into a productive space.

Although I haven’t quite figured out exactly how to go about doing this, I have at the very least figured out that it’s important and that’s a place to start.